


Aloha'oe Ku'uipo

by mustachey5



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Character Death, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Suicide Attempt, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-06 08:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mustachey5/pseuds/mustachey5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A traumatic event breaks Steve, will he pull through? And what really happened? It's sad... bring tissues</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Are you going to tell me what I want to know? " The accented voice sneered in his face, spit flying from the man's lips as he growled. The maniacal smile never slipping from his twisted face, the icy blue eyes staring like daggers.

"No" Steve managed to choke out between gasps before coughing violently, spitting out the blood that accumulated in his mouth. His ribs throbbed and he was pretty sure several were at least bruised if not broken, his ankle too, which was currently twisted to an impossible angle Steve couldn't bare to look at. His head was beginning to swim, his vision clouded by large black spots and a grayish fuzz. The man paused and leered at Steve before raising his hand and continuing the beating on Steve's already purpling face and torso. Steve shifted , his hands pulled above his head minimalised his ability to balance and he accidentally touched his damaged ankle to the ground. He hissed in agony and shifted again to remove weight from the injured limb. His attacker stopped when he heard the pain filled gasp escape from Steve's lips. He dropped his hands and kicked Steve in his injured ankle. Steve didn't even try and hold back the agonised cry, the pain causing his head to spin and he could feel vomit rising in his throat. The attacker smiled at Steve's pain and kicked him again, twice, relishing the look of torment on the beaten man's face, which was promptly replaced by a dazed look of nausea as Steve emptied his stomach onto the damp concrete floor below him. The smell causing him to wretch again.

"Not so strong now are we?" The tormentor teased as Steve hung limply from the chain that attached his arms to the ceiling above, not caring about the pain in his chest and shoulder that protested being pulled on in such a way.

"I'll ask you again shall I? Tell me what I want to know." He grabbed Steve's hair and yanked it up to look in Steve's half closed eye's. Hours of endless torture had worn him down, the pain finally all washing over him, he guessed he had 4 fractures. Minimum. But he wasn't giving in, he used his last ounces of stregth to pull himself out of the mans hold and stare him in the eye.

"No" and spat the blood from his split lip into the man's face.

"Wrong answer sailor boy and a very bad move." The tormentor wiped the blood off his face and whistled loudly. The door at the side of the room opened and two large men walked in dragging a third person with them. Steve froze, he knew that body, that delicate figure that he knew so intimately. They threw the woman in front of him and pulled off the hood that covered her bruised face.

"Tell me what I want to know." The tormentor pulled a gun from his back pocket and clicked the safety off.

"I.."

"3"

"Stop.."

"2"

"Wait, just..."

"1"

The sound of a gunshot filled the air echoed by a piercing agonised scream.

Steve shot up, his chest heaving, sweat dripping from his forehead and sticking his t-shirt to his clamy skin. The scream that haunted his sleep still ringing in his ears. He blinked trying to clear the haze of panic and fear. The now familiar room began to come into focus as his eyes adjusted quickly to the darkness. He collapsed back down on the bed breathing away the fear, he rolled over seeing the monitors blinking at him by his bedside. The churning emotions continued to give him that dreading feeling in his stomach. But what was there to dread, it was all done, there was no second chance, no rewind button, only sleep allowed him to escape that feeling, well, until the nightmares began to remind him again. So many emotions were running through him that he simply didn't know which one to feel or deal with first. He sighed and pulled the blanket over his head, trying to hide away, though whether from the horrific nightmares that taunted him at night or the painful reality that plagued his waking hours, he wasn't entirely sure.

"Do you still have the nightmares?" Steve simply nodded his head in silent response.

"Have they changed at all? Are they more frequent?" The small lady that sat in the chair opposite him continued to probe.

"No. They're the same, every night... I see..." his voice caught in his throat as he ran his hand through his hair as if trying to chase away the horrors that hung over him, a constant oppression.

"But they're not flashbacks, you said they were different? "

"What happens in the nightmares didn't happen in real life, it's some morbid fascination of my imagination."

"How do you feel about the nightmares?" She interrupted gently, seeing his struggle.

"They're just nightmares, I know, but I can't ... I need to get out of here, being stuck in this place in one stupid room isn't helping." He deflected, shutting down the emotions he was on the verge of expressing.

"Commander you have been through a traumatic experience, you need to..."

" I don't need to be treated like a delicate flower. I need space and to go home, so I can move on, not stay here reliving my nightmares"

"You think leaving here will help you move on? The nightmares will go? "

"I am done" Steve pushed his chair back and stood to leave, wincing at the pull on his weakened muscles.

"Well Commander, I am not done." The lady fixed him with a glare.

" I am not some mental case, okay? Stop treating me that way. I am fine- is that what you want to hear? Or would you rather hear that I don't even know anymore if I'm awake or asleep. If this is all some twisted nightmare and I'll wake up at home and it'll be back how it should be. Only I can't have dreams in dreams. So either this is my reality and my nightmares are precisely that, or my nightmares are the reality and you are just some twisted figment of my imagination. I don't know! I don't know and I really don't care because either way won't change it, it'll still happen and there's nothing I can do. So if you would kindly let me go because I am not just a case for a few of you psychiatrists to poke around at..."

"Then what are you?"

"A man who needs to be left alone." He turned and left, slaming the door as he left and moving as fast as his aching body allowed.

"Mr Williams, can I help?" Danny turned to face the petite lady that addressed him, tearing his eyes away from the window he'd been looking through.

"How is he?" He asked gently, nodding his head to the man who stood staring, silently out of the window, his back to where Danny and the psychiatric stood outside his room looking in. The man Danny knew to be a fearless leadrr, a trained SEAL and an incredible man. The man who looked so far from those descriptions, the man who's light that had pushed him on for so long had truly gone out.

"It's hard to say" she came to stand next to Danny, joining him in watching the tall man, who stood resolutley still.

"He's been talking"

"That's an improvement, has he asked about either. ...?"

"No, he mentions them from his nightmares. I think he's trying to avoid it, he tries to hide it away, he keeps saying he needs to leave, that he's fine."

"Can he?"

" The blackouts have stopped, and the violent outbursts too. Once his physical injuries are healed he'll be free to go, he's not recovered, the trauma , both physical and emotional will leave scars, some of which will take a very long time to heal. But he keeps telling us he 'doesn't need psychiatrists'"

"The concussion, the doctor said there could have been partial memory loss... do you think he remembers. .." Danny's voice trailed off again, unable to finish the thought let alone the sentence without the emotions choking him up.

"He remembers all of it, he doesn't talk about it and I doubt he ever will. But you can see in his eyes, as if it's all he thinks off." Silence fell between the pair as they continued to stare at the silent figure.

"Do you think if he saw..."

"No, he is still on the brink and I don't know which way he will fall. If he saw her it may only remind him, I'm not sure if it would end up doing more harm than good." Danny nodded his silent understanding. The all too familiar feeling of helplessness washing over him as he watched his friend, his brother. He sent up a silent prayer, Steve was strong, but someone had found the one thing that would truly break him and Danny wasn't all that sure that Steve would ever recover.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ane?"

"Anela?"

"Sweetheart, Where are you?" Steve moved quickly through the quiet house, clearing each room, the fear he was trying to keep at bay rose as he came across each empty room.

"Anela, honey..." The panic beginning to seep into Steve's voice and the gun which was held in his sweat slicked hands, shook slightly. He kicked open the final door. The room was empty. Her playpen in the corner was deserted. She was no where to be found.

"He has her too" Steve whispered in panic as he paced the room, running his shaking hands desperately through his hair, the horrid realisation of the current situation hitting him. He stopped in front of her brightly coloured playpen and bent down, picking up her little comfort blanket that lay in the middle of the pen. He gulped, trying to swallow the acidic taste that rose in his throat. Breathing away the tears that were lining his ey he turned back to Danny, running the soft fabric across his rough fingers.

"He has Anela." He whispered, his voice cracking as he said her name. Danny stepped towards his stricken friend, holstering his gun and shooting Chin a warning look as he burst into the room.

"We'll find her Steve" He soothed, he himself trying to fight tears.

"We are too late , what if she's. .." The lost look on Steve's face as he stared at the tiny blanket in his hands breaking Danny's heart.

"We will find her Steve."

"ANELA!" Steve shot up in bed, his heart racing as he looked around the room, sweat pouring down his face and his heart in his throat.

"Commander?" A young haole nurse ran in to the room at his shouts. He stared at her , eyes wide in panic and ripped the IV out of his arm before trying to climb out of the bed.

"Commander, you need to relax, you'll pull on your stitches if you keep straining. It's okay Sir, just relax. " She tried to comfort him as she stepped forward, he ignored her, desperately trying to untangle himself from the bed linen he had got himself caught up in.

"Anela, I need to find her." He mumbled

"Sir, you need to get back in bed." She pleaded as he freed himself. He made to move past her but she stepped in front of him blocking his path with her arm. He grabbed the front of uniform and slammed her against the wall , pressing his arm against her neck.

"Where is she? What have you done to my little girl?" " She struggled in his arms, fighting against the pressure on her throat. He stared at her growling in her face until her struggling slowed, her body going limp in his arms. He released her from his iron grip and she dropped to the floor.

He turned just in time to see two large male nurses rush into his room and grab hold of him. He felt the sharp stab of a needle in his upper arm but quickly stopped struggling as the room began to spin and sleep claimed him again.

Steve blinked, his eyelids heavy and his head pounding. He pushed himself up but immediately collapsed again into the pillows, groaning in pain. His ribs were sore, the skin still delicate and the scars on his arms and legs that had been healing nicely were burning and red. He looked down his arms and spotted a new bandage on his hand and a bruise on his upper arm. His attention was drawn to the door of his room as the psychiatrist walked in, he still couldn't remember her name.

"Good Afternoon Steven, after last night's antics you appear to have slept quite well. " She greeted, walking up to his bed.

"Can you remember what happened? " She asked gently, looking at the new bandage and glancing at his monitors.

"The nurse, is she okay?" Steve lifted his head off the pillow, straining to look at the piece of wall he'd pinned her against.

"She's fine, bruised and a little scared but she's fine. " She paused momentarily.

"What was the nightmare about Steve." She probed.

"I'm not talking about it." He rolled away from her and she sighed in annoyance.

"Why?"

"Because it was a freaking nightmare, I'm 37, grown men don't have nightmares." He tried to refrain from shouting but wasn't entirely successful.

"You have been through serious emotional and physical trauma, you were tortured, you didn't take your medication, that's what happens..."

"I know what I've been through. I was there. But that doesn't mean I have nightmares, or that I'm crazy, or depressed. And it certainly doesn't mean I need medication. I need to be left alone, so leave. Me. Alone. " He inunciated each word.

"Then why were you in such a panic last night that you assaulted a young nurse?"

"I...I didn't mean to hurt her. " he whispered, anger turning to shame. She sighed and tried a different approach.

"You're scared you'll lose her. "

"What?" Steve's face crinkled in confusion.

"Anela, you're scared you'll lose her." She explained. Steve looked away and pushed himself up to sit against the pillows, ignoring the pain.

"You're lucky you didn't pull any stitches out last night, thankfully you're pretty much healed. " she arranged the pillows so he was comfortable.

"Thank you" he said quietly, staring at his hands.

"Why are you so scared about losing her?" She asked after a beat.

"He knows about her, I tried to protect them, but he found out."

"Who's he Steve?" She pushed but he simply shook his head. Silence fell between them again.

"Anela is a beautiful name."

"It means angel and she was born on Christmas eve..." he shrugged. She looked at him in silence, it was clear he didn't intend on saying anything else and quietly left the room.

* 3 years ago *

Steve slipped silently out from under the sheets, careful not to disturb the sleeping form that lay next to him. He crept over to the crib that stood at the end of their bed and looked down at the little girl that slept quietly. He needed to sleep, he knew he would be getting little if any in the future but he just had to look at her again, he was completely enchanted. Anela Halia McGarrett had arrived in the world a little under 24 hours ago, after an exceptionally long labour. She was the spitting image of her beautiful mother except for the slight wave in her chocolate brown tuft of hair that she'd inherited from her father. She had weighed in a 7lbs 2oz , a healthy and happy little girl and had been released from hospital with her mother only a few hours ago. Steve had been unable to tear his eyes from her since she had been born. He had made sure to check, multiple times, that she did indeed have all ten fingers and all toes. He reached his hand out gently stroking her soft face with one of his fingers. He couldn't believe how tiny she was. She stirred slightly , scrunching her face into a scowl and Steve quickly picked her up and began comforting her. He looked at his wife as she slept soundly, exhausted from labour and slipped out of the room, hoping to give her a little longer to rest before Anela's next feed. He walked into his old room and over to the window, staring down at the ocean that lay not to far away. He looked back at the little girl in his arms, his daughter, and dropped a warm kiss to her dainty nose. He pulled back slightly and smiled at her, slipping his little finger into her small palm, marvelling at her strong grip. After all he'd been through in life, never once did he think he would settle down , but fate had other plans. He knew he was going to be wrapped round her little finger, he could tell she would take after her mother in that. He sighed contentedly as walked them back to the bedroom and placed her gently in her cot, dropping a final kiss to her cheek before he slipped back into bed, a smile on his face.

Steve stirred silently in bed, his thoughts and memories keeping him awake as emotions continued with the spin cycle they had been on since he had been rescued. Every time he closed his eyes he is back in the warehouse he can see it happening again and again, helpless to do anything to stop it, because it had already happened. It was the reality he was faced with, the reality that there was nothing he could do to change the fact that she was gone and she wasn't coming back. The reality that she may not be the only one he loses. She's gone, there is no second chance, no mistake. She's gone and the constant pain of loneliness and heartbreak leaves him feeling unable to breath , but the guilt is the worst, because he watched it all happen and he didn't save her.


	3. Chapter 3

"Steve? " Mary asked gently as she stepped into the room. He sat silently on the small bed, his back turned to the door as he stared out of the window.   
"Steve?" She tried again, moving around the bed to face him. His eyes never once looking over to her, the haunted look that Danny had spoken of still plagued his features.   
She sighed as she moved to sit gently on the bed next to him. She hadn't wanted to believe Danny's warnings of the fragile state her brother was in. Steve was strong. He had been tortured before, he had lost people before, but it had nevet affected him this badly. But this time was different, she knew that, she knew how deeply they had managed to hurt him. They had hit him where it most hurt and she could only be thankful he had made it even this far. Her heart had broken for him when Danny called her to tell her what had happened, and it broke again now as she watched him, a mere shadow of the fearless Naval officer he once was. They didn't know everything. In truth they knew almost nothing of what had happened, other than the physical evidence that was left behind. That alone painted a sickening enough picture of the events. Steve had posttraumatic stress disorder. Or so the psychiatrist had said. He was blanking the memory out, refusing to accept it had happened. He refused to mention what had happened and they doubted they would ever know the entire truth. Mary had stayed away the first few weeks, unable to bring herself to face him. She hoped , as she imagined everyone else did too, that this was simply a nightmare, a sickening nightmare but that they would wake up and it would all go away. She knew she should have been there for him but in truth she had been scared of what she would find. He kept trying to convince them he was fine, that he was healing. But as she sat watching him , his face void of any emotion but his hunched posture and the slouch of his shoulders betrayed his true emotions. His vulnerability. His fear. His guilt. They always say it's the emotional scars that take the longest time to heal and Mary couldn't help but wonder if they ever would. The one person that had helped heal the mess that was Steve's heart was gone.   
She shuffled closer to him on the bed, gently placing her hand on his lower arm. He looked up at her in surprise, as if only just acknowledging her presence in the room, they stared at each other for a moment, neither sure what to say.  
"Hey" Mary eventually said, forcing a weak smile that she knew didn't reach her eyes. Steve blinked at her and turned his head to the floor.   
"What did they do to you Steve?" She whispered reaching to turn his head towards her but he pulled away from her and stood up.   
"Don't" It was only one word but she could hear the shake in his voice.   
"You can't keep it bottled up forever Steve"   
"Mary...I....not yet, please, just not yet." He said . She walked over to him and slipped her arm gently around his waist, tucking into his side as he dragged his hands across his face.   
"Okay" She said, nestling further into his side in a sort of half hug. He tensed so she slipped her other arm around him and pulled him in closer. Eventually he relaxed and dropped his arms to her shoulders, returning the comforting hug, clinging to the warm embrace.   
"You'll be okay" She whispered into his chest as she felt his breathing becoming shaky with unshed tears.   
"Maybe not today, but someday.... it will get better, it has to."

.  
.

"Commander?" The voice of a nurse eventually broke the siblings apart.  
"You have another visitor." She continued and Steve nodded.   
"I'll go see if I can get some paperwork done for you so we can get you out a little sooner, yeah?" Mary said stepping away from Steve's embrace but still holding on to him.   
"Okay" he said with a weak smile and let her leave. He sunk back down on the bed and waited.  
"Hey" Chin's soft voice greeted him.  
"Hey" Steve replied turning to face him but not quite making eye contact.   
"The nurse tells me you're being sprung today..." Chin continued.  
"Yeah, all healed." Steve's reply was slightly snappier than he had intended.  
"How's the leg?"  
"Bareable, it'll heal though." Chin nodded silently as he moved and sat next to him on the bed.   
"How are you coping?" He asked quietly. Steve shrugged.  
"I'm better, I'll be fine..." He replied his voice heavy with an emotion that Chin couldn't quite identify. Guilt? A long silence stretched between the pair, Steve had apparently lost the little conversational skills he used to have.  
"We're still searching for Wo Fat" Chin said eventually. Steve's eyes shot up to him, a question clearly on his lips but he was struggling to force it out, the emotions getting the better of him.  
"We haven't found her yet Steve, I'm sorry. " Chin explained as if sensing the question. Steve visibly deflated.   
"We will find him, him and Anela , I promise you....he won't get away." Steve nodded his head in silent understanding. Chin sat watching him for a moment before sighing and standing to leave.   
"I'm sorry" It was barely audible but it stopped Chin in his tracks and he turned back to face Steve.   
"Pardon?"  
"I'm sorry" Steve repeated.  
"Steve, you have nothing to apologiae for, after all you've been through..."  
"But I do. I'm not the only one grieving. I promised to protect her and I failed..."  
"It was not your fault Steve."  
"That's where you are wrong, you're all wrong. It was entirely my fault."  
.  
.

"Commander" Steve looked up at the doctor who strode towards him and Mary. She was an elder haole lady, he didn't recognise her.   
"How are you feeling today then?" She asked as she glanced down at her clipboard.  
"Fine" he grunted, he was itching to leave, to escape and he really wasn't in the mood for a conversational chat.   
"Okay, so you have had all of your stitches out and you look to be healing up quite nicely. The psychiatrist wants you back for weekly appointments but if you could just sign a few forms for me, I will sort your prescriptions and you'll be free to go." She replied glancing up at him aa she passes him the pieces of paper and a pen. Steve signed quickly, not even bothering to glance at what the forms said he eas so desperate to leave.   
"Thank you, now , this is Xanax , take one every eight hours as needed. " She said handing over the bottle of pills.   
""And this is fluvoxamine, take it twice a day. These will help with the nightmares and anxiety...."  
"I don't need them. I'm fine."  
""You will take them commander as instructed or you will not leave this hospital. The choice is yours. " She said glaring at him.   
"The xanax is a benzodiazepine , specifically used for treatment of anxiety. Fluvoxamine is an SSRI used to treat PTSD." Steve opened his mouth to say something but she interrupted before he could say anything.  
"I know what you are going to say commander. Yes your symptoms have improved and are under control, I know you don't agree with us but you are struggling with PTSD. "  
"I'm fine."  
"Yes you have improved greatly, we wouldn't let you leave otherwise. But this is because you are on medication to control the symptoms. " Steve made to talk again but she silenced him with a flick of her hand.   
"The normal rules apply, no alcohol or recreational drugs. Also you cannot take any opiates so if you want pain relief you will have to stick with the normal Tylenol" She continued as she checked over her forms.   
"That's it then, you're appointment with the psychiatrist is on Tuesday."   
"Okay" He half mumbled, standing to leave.   
"Take care of yourself Steven. " she added softly a smile part way between empathy and pity on her face. Steve simply looked at her before leaving the room, Mary following in his wake.   
.  
.

 

The drive home took place in silence. Steve simply stared out the window, watching the world flash past. They soon pulled into the driveway of the McGarrett house and Mary assisted Steve out of the car, ignoring his cries of protest. They entered the house in silence and Mary entered the alarm code. Steve stood staring straight ahead of himself.   
"Umm, Steve? You going to move or what?" Mary asked after a few minutes when he still hadn't moved.   
"I just need a minute..."  
"Steve?"  
"I just need some space.." he whispered and she nodded silently before slipping out of the room. He turned his head glancing around the familiar room. He walked over to the French doors that led out to the lanai and looked over to the ocean that lay beyond. He could feel her presence, the entire house was drenched in it.  
"I'm sorry" he whispered to the crashing waves.   
"He has her, our baby girl. I swore to protect both of you but I lost you"   
"I failed Ku'uipo. I failed you"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks in itallic as always!

_The heavy rain of the cloudburst shower was beginning to lighten, becoming a mist of fine rain instead of the incessant pelting droplets. He pushed his hands further into his soaked pockets, pulling at the trouser legs that were sticking to his legs. The ground giving a soft squelch under his feet as he shifted his weight, returning his gaze to the stone at his feet, marveling at the way the droplets filled the engravings and trickled lazily down the shiny surface. The day had come again, all to quickly for his liking. Another year had gone by and the flicker of pain, the echo of a memory, of a half good bye reared it's ugly head, filling his thoughts till he had no option but to come back here. In rain or sunshine he found himself in the same place every year, wandering if he would ever be able to truly let go, grieving the moments they would never get to spend together and regretting the times he hadn't cherished. He sighed, enjoying the cleansing feel of the rain, washing away the stress and pain that haunted him. There was something about rain, just standing there and letting it wash over you, something wonderfully healing._

_The sound of approaching footsteps on the soggy ground pulled him from his daydreams and he raised his head lightly to watch her padding towards him, apparently equally as drenched as he was._

_"Hi" He whispered, turning to face her. Tiny droplets of rain trickling down her face and catching on her eyelashes, dripping of her nose. Her delicate smile bringing the serene feeling of peace that he so missed. The feeling of belonging, of being loved. The emotion catching him by surprise, he looked up to the sky, scrunching his face as the droplets hit his face, trickling down his cheeks like tears. He felt her slip her rain slicked hand into his fist, working the fingers open and gently clasping his hand in a comforting embrace. She had always been able to pick up on his emotions, he wasn't the best at voicing how he felt, yet she never failed to surprise him with her gentle embrace or whispered word of comfort in those dark moments, reminding him that he was never as alone as he thought. She stood silently by his side, head resting gently on his shoulder, silently offering him her support, knowing there was nothing she could say. They stood in silence, shivering slightly as the wind picked up lightly. He eventually took a deep breath, and exhaled , expelling the emotion he had bottled up for the past few days. He squeezed her hand in thanks and pulled her into a tight hug. Pressing a gentle kiss into her damp hair, inhaling the warm scent he smiled gently. He glanced back down for a final time and whispered his good bye, his voice joining the quiet pitter- patter of raindrops that broke the still silence._

_"Happy Birthday Dad"_

* * *

 

He stood, staring out at the ocean, in the exact same position Mary had left him nearly an hour ago. She slipped down the rest of the stairs and move to stand next to him, joining him in watching the waves break further down the beach. It had started to rain, the droplets hitting the windows, trailing down the surface.

"Have you had any more of your medication yet?" She asked softly as she continued to watch the raindrops weave their intricate patterns on the glass in front of her.

"I'm fine" He mumbled

"You keep saying that Steve, but you're not, there's nothing wrong in admitting that.."

"I said I'm fine." He said, his voice gaining a harsher tone. She reached for him but he simply shook her hand away, batting it away like a fly.

"Steve" She protested as he pushed past her, avoiding her gaze. She listened to the creak of the stairs under his weight, watched him make his slow trek up to his room. She waited a beat, giving him time to enter the room, she knew she was walking on eggshells around him, they all were and she didn't want to risk pushing him. She climbed the old staircase and paused at his doorway, looking in at him as he lay on the bed. Fully clothed, stretched out on his stomach, facing away from the door, his hands holding the pillow under his head. This wasn't the brother she knew and if she was honest it was scaring her to see him like this. She pushed the door further open and sat behind him, perching on the edge of the bed. She placed her hand on his shoulder, lightly rubbing at the muscle that seemed to be permanently tensed.

"It'll get better, maybe not just yet, maybe not for a while, but it will..." She said, not sure who she was trying to convince more. He didn't respond, simply lying, his head turned away from her, staring at the empty space beside him.

"Sleep tight... I'm just across the hall" She said as she stood, smoothing down her skirt, knowing it was falling on deaf ears. He was punishing himself, she had seen that familiar look in his eyes before. But it had never been this bad. She sighed as she left the room and pulled the door closed behind her. He had given up and there seemed to be nothing anyone could do to change that. He was being as stubborn as ever, not that it was all that much of a surprise. She walked over to her room and scrubbed her hands down her tired face, they had to wait. He would get better but only when he was ready to, so for now they just had to wait.

* * *

 

"Wake up... Steve, wake up" The familiar voice stirring him from his light sleep.

"What?" He mumbled, rolling over to try and face the direction the noise came from.

"Wake up" She urged him again as he began to blink his eyes open, her hands shaking him into consciousness.

"Baby?" He whispered in confusion as her familiar face began to swim into focus.

"Steve you have to tell them what you know, please Steve.." The panic in her voice grabbing his attention, he reached for her only to find he was unable to move his arms.

"Tell them Steve.." She begged, tears beginning to form in her eyes, the desperation evident in pleading tone.

"Tell who?" He asked, his mind felt foggy, like someone had stuffed his head full of cotton wool. He blinked, shaking his head to try and clear it.

"Who?" He asked her again. Peeling his eyes back open he was blinded by the suddenly bright lights that had appeared from nowhere. But he was no longer in his bedroom and she was gone. The warm walls had morphed into cold stone walls with paint peeling from the corners revealing patches of mold. The bed that was underneath him had disappeared and had been replaced by a damp concrete floor stained with patches of crimson and what he suspected had been the contents of his stomach. What the...?

"Are you going to answer my question Commander?" A large, blonde haired man asked him as he entered the room, drawing his attention. His voice carrying the hint of an accent that Steve couldn't quite place. The mans knuckles were split and if the throbbing pain through out the majority of Steve's body was any indication he was pretty sure he had been the punching bag.

"I don't know what you want..." He spat in confusion, his ribs creaking as he struggled to take in a breath.

"Maybe you need a little encouragement" The man sneered, a sick smile twisting across his features. He whistled and the door to his left opened.

"I don't know what you want from me... What is going on?" Steve moaned, swallowing a groan of pain as he accidentally put weight on to his injured ankle. He shifted his weight again, trying to figure a way to get his hands out of the rope that was holding them tied above his head.

"I will ask you one more time..." The man began as he roughly manhandled a small figure into the room. Steve's blood froze as he recognized the build of the tiny girl that was dumped at his feet, the body that lay worryingly still.

"What have you done to her? I swear if you have hurt her..." He growled, his pain forgotten as anger took over.

"Not yet" Steve wanted nothing more than to wipe the disgusting smile of the face of the man in front of him. But he was powerless, he was outnumbered, injured and tied up. He could do nothing.

"Please, just let her go.." He begged as looked back at her as she lay crumpled on the cold floor.

"First, you tell me what I want to know." The tormentor pulled a gun from his back pocket and clicked the safety off.

"Please..I.."

"3"

"Stop.."

"2"

"Wait!"

"1"

"ANELA!"

.

.

.

Steve woke with a start, throwing himself off the bed, tripping on the bed covers and only just managing to catch himself on the cabinet by the bed, the scream still caught in his throat. His t-shirt sticking uncomfortably to his now sweaty skin. Shuffling slowly he edged towards the bathroom, his arms outstretched in front of him as he tried to clear his mind of the dream that still echoed round his head. It was the same every night. He could hear their screams, the pain in their eyes. It was a dream, he knew it was but it didn't make it any less terrifying or any less real. There had been times he could have sworn he heard their laughter, see their smiles but it was all a figment of his imagination - He hadn't seen those faces, heard those joyful sounds in months. It was back to how it had been before. He was alone. Maybe that was the way it was always meant to be. He flicked the light on and stumbled to the sink, bracing himself as he looked in the mirror above it.

Maybe it was never meant to be? But he couldn't accept that. Not now. Not now he had experienced the feeling of having a family, of being loved, accepted. He couldn't just let them go. He couldn't move past it. He blinked away the falling tears as he emptied the bottles of pills into his hands. He swallowed them quickly and ran his hand down his tired face. The nightmares wouldn't go; he couldn't escape it any longer. He had lost everything he had held dear and now there was nothing left. He reached for the bottle of Tylenol on the windowsill, desperate to try and relieve the never ending aches that plagued his waking hours. He lost count of the tablets, no longer caring. They were gone and he was alone, as he was always meant to be.

He looked back at his reflection in the mirror. He was a mess, he knew it was bad. The thoughts, the feelings that he simply couldn't escape. He needed help, he knew that. But he didn't want any. What was the point? What was the point in dragging out his suffering, the suffering he was inflicting on those around him. It was better just to finish it. It wasn't like there was anyone left to miss him, not like there would have been. He gave up, accepting defeat for the first and last time as the darkness welcomed him with it's cold arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks in itallic!

Mary stirred at the sound of the alarm. She sat and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she tried to steady herself. She glanced at the angry red numbers on her alarm clock. 2:45 am. Steve was due another dose of painkillers. She sighed as she pushed her warm covers off and traipsed towards his room, fumbling along the walls in a half asleep daze. She pushed the door open, knocking lightly on the door as entered.

"Steve?" She called, glancing around the room, noting the empty bed and bed sheets that were tangled and strewn across the end of the bed and the floor. She walked further into the room and headed for the small en suite, noting the shaft of light coming from under the door. She tapped gently on the door and waited for a response.

"Steve?" She tried again when she was met by silence. She knocked a little harder and when no further reply came she tried the door handle. It was open. She pushed the door open, and blinked against the harsh bright lights. She took in his crumpled figure that was slumped against the wall and the empty bottle still clutched in his hands

"Steve!" She cried , dropping to his side, shaking him violently. He didn't respond, his body completely relaxed. She felt desperate for a pulse fighting the rising panic. It was there, thready and weak, but still there. His chest barely moving as he inhaled irregular and shallow breaths. She scrambled to get her phone out of her jeans pocket, sending up a silent prayer that she had slept in her clothes and dialed 911. She shifted him, desperately trying to lie him out in the recovery position. His unmoving figure cooperating as she moved him. "Hang on Steve, please hang on... "

* * *

 

"Mary?" Danny's voice, pulled her from her daze, and she turned to see him jogging down the corridor towards her.

"Mary! What the hell is going on, the hospital wouldn't tell me anything" He said as he reached her and dropped into the seat next to her.

"Mary?" He tried again gently as she simply sat there staring at him, unable to form the words.

"Steve.." She began tears welling up and chocking her voice.

"Hey, hey, Mare, just breath okay. What happened babe, what happened?" Danny asked, gently rubbing his hand on her upper back in an attempt to soothe her slightly.

"He overdosed, I went to give him his next dose but I found him on the floor.. he was barely breathing..."

"Overdosed? By accident?" She shook her head and took a deep breath, fighting of a new wave of tears.

"No. Who accidentally empties the entire bottle of pills?"

"A whole bottle?" Danny asked in shock as she nodded in confirmation.

"oh god Danny, I thought he was getting better.."

"Hey, hey. Don't you dare give up on him now, you hear me. He's a tough guy.." Danny said, pulling her into a warm hug as her sobs began to take over. They sat in silence, holding each other as they waited for news from the doctors.

"Family of Steve McGarrett?" An elderly man asked as he entered the practically empty waiting room.

"Yeah" Danny replied, standing up and guiding Mary over to the man.

"Commander McGarrett's condition is now stable. We managed to eliminate most of the drugs before they entered his blood stream. Due to the vast amounts of pills they hadn't all been digested so we pumped his stomach. It seems you found him shortly after he had consumed the pills so only a small amount had actually been absorbed into the blood stream. We have him hooked up to various medications to try and minimise the damage done and to help his body to clear everything out. He is an exceptionally lucky man. We have put him into a medically induced coma, just to give his body a chance to sort itself out. A nurse will come to collect you when he is settled if you wish to see him."

* * *

 

_"This is important to you Steve, I get it I really do, but you have to let it go at some point.."_

_"Let it go? He is responsible for my father's death, for my mother faking her death, for destroying my family. I cannot just let it go!"_

_"I know! Okay, I know how much this means to you..." She tried again, placing a gentle hand on his forearm but he shook it off._

_"Clearly you don't, how can you expect me to just drop this when I'm so close now?"_

_"Because I'm not sure you are going to be objective about this"_

_"Objective? So now I'm incapable of doing my job, is that it?"_

_"You know that is not what I'm saying, stop trying to turn this into an argument Steve."_

_"I think it's a little bit late for that sweetheart."_

_"Please, Steve... I'm not saying drop it forever , I'm not saying you have to let the guy go.. just, I think you need to take a step back"_

_"I can't, not when I'm so close, not now.. I can't lose him now."_

_"But it's okay to risk your life, risk letting your daughter grow up with only one parent?"_

_"I'm more than capable of looking after myself" He continued the sarcasm re-entering his voice._

_"Really? So you getting shot TWICE and as if that's not enough getting stabbed as well, all in the space of one week, that's just you looking after yourself is it?"_

_"I'm still here aren't I? I'd say it was a job well done"_

_"What is wrong with you? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Is that it? "_

_"You know that is not true.."_

_"That's the point Steve, I really don't any more" she whispered, sitting back on the bed._

_"Mommy? " The small voice coming from the doorway attracting both of their attentions_

_"Are you and Daddy mad at each other?" She asked, her small teddy clutched to her chest as she stared solemnly at her two parents._

_"No sweetheart, we were just discussing something.." Their daughter eyed the pair sceptically_

_"Why don't you go have your breakfast and then we can head over to nursery?" Steve suggested , sending her a small smile as he dropped down to her height._

_"Why do you and Mommy always shout?" She asked quietly, fidgeting with the ear of the small bear._

_"Sometimes Mommys and Daddys shout... we still love each other honey, I promise" He said, swallowing past the lump in his throat as he gently rubbed a finger down the dimple in her cheek. Her curiosity seemed satisfied as a smile spread across her chubby cheeks._

_"Can I wear my green shoes to nursery Daddy?"_

_"Of course you can sweetheart, why don't you go ahead and start putting them on and I'll be down in a second to help you?" He suggested giving her a soft kiss as she turned and headed down the stairs._

_"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep Steven" The soft whisper causing him to turn back and face her_

_"Promises? I wasn't lying, I still love you. Is there something you need to tell me?" He asked, desperately fighting not to let his temper flare again._

_"You've changed" She replied simply as she grabbed her cardigan from the back of the chair and turned to leave._

_"Is that supposed to be your way of saying you don't love me any more?" he asked, a shiver running down his spine._

_"No, it's my way of saying that I'm worried about you and I want to help you with this before it's to late."_

_"And what precisely do I need help with?"_

_"You just came back from active duty, you may not be able to tell me every detail but we both know something happened out there Steve and you need to talk to someone about it, if not me then a therapist at least."_

_"I'm fine"_

_"Stop telling me you're fine Steve, we both know that that's not true, even Anela knows."_

_"So now it's all my fault we're arguing is it? Last time I checked it took two people two argue."_

_"If you listened to me then we wouldn't be arguing"_

_"You are being irrational, I cannot just let Wo Fat go and you know that, you ask ridiculous things of me!"_

_"Ridiculous? Then tell me Steven, what precisely are you willing to sacrifice to get this man, your life? Mine ? Anela's?"_

_"What? Is that how little you think of me? You genuinely believe I would sacrifice either of you? You know that I would never do that, how could you even say that? It's like you don't trust me any more!"_

_"As I said, you've changed."_

_"I'm doing this to protect you, both of you and you know that"_

_"And at what price?"_

_"Whatever it takes" She paused and looked at him before turning and opening the door._

_"That's what I'm afraid of."_

* * *

 

Mary sat silently, holding his hand, absent mindedly caressing his knuckles with her thumb. Danny had just left, after checking in to see that they were both settled, to see Steve with his own eyes. The beep of the monitors by Steve's bedside the only sound in the quiet room.

She knew it was bad, the whole PTSD thing. She hadn't expected him to just get over everything that had happened in the past 3 months or anything that had happened during his reactivation. But she hadn't expected this. He was so broken, that she was beginning to question if there was anything left to put back together or if it was now going to be a case of watching him spiral until one day one of them didn't make it in time to stop him. To save him.

She was dragged from her thoughts by a muffled groan beside her. The doctor's had warned that the drugs may interfere slightly with the PTSD, causing flashbacks or dreams, and that was clearly what was happening. Steve's face was screwed up into a frown, his body twisting in the bed as if he trying to sit up, a light sheen of sweat appearing on his forehead.

"Hey, calm down " She soothed , gently combing her fingers through his hair. Pressing him lightly back down on to the pillows.

"It's okay, just relax. " She continued stroking his hair until he finally began to settle, relaxing against the pillows. She ran her fingers down his stubbled cheek taking in the dark rings beneath his eyes. His face was so thin, he looked frail, weak. She sighed as dropped her hand to rest on his shoulder and dropped her head to the pillow next to his, letting the exhaustion of the past few hours wash over her.

* * *

 

_"You going to bother coming in today or what?" Danny greeted as he answered the phone._

_"Funny Daniel. We have a case, there's been a B &E at a friend of the Governor's.."_

_"You on the way already?"_

_"Yeah, I'll send you the address then we'll meet at the scene. HPD have already sent stuff to the lab so get the others to talk to Fong "_

_"Sure thing..." The confusion in Danny's voice catching Steve's attention_

_"What?"_

_"I assume by others you mean you're darling wife, and she's not here yet..."_

_"She's not there? She left at least a half hour before me.."_

_"No, I assumed she was with you but apparently you've had another falling out."_

_"We don't have to agree about everything all the time Danny"_

_"No, but that isn't healthy arguing Steven. Trust me.."_

_"Now is really not the time for marriage counselling, I've had enough of that this morning..." Steve's train of thought was cut short by the screech of tires and the loud clang of metal hitting metal. The car span and the world flipped on it's head before he could even blink. The last sound he heard as he head struck the window to his left was Danny calling his name._


	6. Chapter 6

The next week was the longest week of Mary's life. Danny and Chin came by nearly every day to update her on any new leads and to check in on Steve. He had responded well to his initial treatment to try and clear his body of all the medication he had ingested. This however, had one massive side effect. By cleaning his body and removing the medication from his body, his flashbacks were back in full force. Mary had noticed it the first night he had been admitted. He would start twitching slightly, like he had a nervous tick or an itch. He would begin to panic and thrash slightly, murmuring to himself, never loud enough for Mary to hear what he was saying though. And she was helpless to do anything but sit and hold his hand, whispering quietly to him in an attempt to soothe away the frown lines furrowed on his forehead and wipe away the perspiration that appeared on his brow. What terrified her most however, was the look on Steve's face when he first awoke after a flashback. It was a look of pure panic, gone was the stoic and guarded SEAL she knew as her brother. It was the only time she got to see him when his guards were truly dropped, she saw the pain and the petrified look in his eyes. But the moment was gone before she could do anything and he would shut down again. His eyes would glaze over and he would revert to this empty shell. He never talked to her or anyone else for that matter. He communicated in nods and shakes of the head or the occasional grunt. Mary had tried to get him to open up, to talk to her but he had shut her off. Part of her was pissed at him, she wanted to scream at him, to demand an answer, to know what was going through his mind when he took those pills, to tell him the pain he put her through. But it's those moments in the dark of night when she sees the damage, the emotional pain and weight upon his shoulders, they are what hold her back. Now is not the time for screaming, right now he needs support , whether he will admit it or not, that is what he needs and she will be damned if she is not there to help him and take what ever curve balls he throws at her. He's been through more than enough and she refuses to add to his troubles. So for now she waits and prays. Waits for him to talk because it has to come at some point, and prays for news on Anela because the hope that they will find her is the only thing keeping them all from losing it.

* * *

 

_Steve stirred slightly, blinking his eyes open he looked around. His head throbbed and his ribs were screaming at him. He assumed at least two of them were broken and judging by the pain he was in, at least two more were bruised. He shook his head trying to organise his thoughts. His last memory was his phone call with Danny, and then it was all disjointed. He assumed the car had crashed, if his physical state and the vague recollection of the car flipping was anything to go by. But if he had crashed then were was he? His arms were tied behind his back with a thick rope and he was curled up on a cold and suspiciously damp concrete floor. If this was the hospital then he had a thing or two to say about care and hygiene standards. Just then a door opened on the other side of the room and a large tanned man walked over to him. He grabbed Steve by the biceps and pulled him to his feet. Sharp pain shot up form Steve's ankle and he whimpered in agony, fighting not to scream. He looked down and saw that his right ankle had also been damaged in the crash, that was if the fact it was twisted round the wrong way was anything to go by. Steve's arms were lifted above his head and the rope binding his wrists was attached to a metal hook dangling from the ceiling, just high enough that his shoulders would be yanked out of their sockets if he didn't manage to keep a foot on the ground to try and bear some of his body weight._

_"I'll be back to chat in a while" The man said before turning and slamming the door shut as he left. This day was simply going from bad to worse._

_._

_._

_Two hours later the man reappeared, this time carrying what appeared to be gym bag with him, though Steve highly doubted it was his swimming trunks he had hidden in there._

_"What's going to happen McGarrett, is I'm going to ask you a question and you are going to answer it. Does that sound simple enough for you?" The man's voice was laced with a foreign accent that Steve couldn't quite place. Eastern European maybe?_

_"I'll take that to be a yes then." He continued._

_"I want to know where Doris McGarrett is?" Steve froze and fought to keep his features neutral. What the hell did these guys want with his mom?_

_"I don't know" Steve replied trying to stop his body twisting as he stretched to keep his good foot in contact with the floor._

_"Wrong answer. Try again, I'll give you one more free answer before we start being a bit more creative. Where is your mother?"_

_"I just told you. I don't know" Steve spat._

_"That's a shame isn't it, maybe I can prod your memory. If you'll pardon the pun." The man sneered as he crouched down and unzipped his bag, pulling out a chunky cattle prod. He ripped at Steve's shirt, tearing it open and revealing his severely bruised rib cage, and pressed the prod against the already purpling skin. The electricity shot through Steve and his body jerked trying to get away from the intense pain. He hissed through his teeth, desperately trying to escape to that place in his head, to separate himself from the pain but before he could the man moved the prod further down to an open cut just above his hip bone that was still oozing slightly. This time he could not hold back the cry of agony and the prod touched the raw flesh. His vision began to swim and the vomit was rising in his throat, he fought to keep it down but when the curl of smoke and the scent of burning flesh reached his nostrils he gave up and emptied his stomach contents on to the damp floor, hitting both his feet and those of his tormentor._

_._

_._

_Steve awoke to the stench of vomit and looking down at his feet he found the source of the smell. It was stuck between his toes and he no choice but to stand in it or risk tearing a shoulder out of it's socket._

_"You're back with us now" The now familiar voice caused Steve to lift his head. The man was stood leaning against the wall on the other side of the room, a cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth. The smoke curled up to the ceiling where it hung like a oppressive fog in the un-ventilated room. The man walked back towards Steve and stopped just in front of him, blowing a mouthful of smoke in his face. Steve wrinkled his nose and turned his head to avoid the foul smell but the man just laughed and grabbed his chin, forcing Steve's face back to face his._

_"You had any more thoughts on where we could find your dear mother?"_

_"I'm afraid I can't help you" Steve said, cringing at the taste of smoke in his mouth._

_"Oh but that's not true Commander. I know you know where she is and I will get it out of you if it's the last thing I do on this earth." The horrible sneer spread across the man's face again as he plucked the cigarette from his mouth and twirled it in his fingers. The sneer turned into a full blown maniacal grin as he dropped his hand and pressed the cigarette but to the centre of Steve's chest. The sharp burn was enough to bring tears to his eyes and he bit his lip to avoid making a sound but the man noticed and only pressed the stub harder, rubbing it against the sensitive skin._

_"Are you going to give me an answer now Commander?" The man asked as he pulled a box and lighter from his pocket and lit up another cigarette._

_"No" Steve all but whispered and prepared himself for the intense pain that he knew was imminent._

_._

_._

_._

_Steve's torso, neck and arms were littered with the tiny burns from multiple cigarette butts , his ribcage was a mottled purple black colour and the gash on his hip was a burnt stinging mess. He shifted slightly trying to shift his weight momentarily to spare his aching foot. The man was rummaging through the bag and Steve was taking every possible second he could to try and plan a way to get out of here. At the minute it didn't look to good. His mind wandered to his wife and the argument they had had that morning, it was no longer a rare occurrence unfortunately but he hated that Anela saw them arguing. They had some issues, well he had some issues if he was going t be honest but he wasn't giving up any time soon and he knew that she wasn't either. Although they argued there were certain things that never changed. Tuesdays were always date nights, even if they had been screaming at each other that morning, by the evening they would put it aside. They always shared a bed, this one Steve was particularly happy about because he didn't think his back could cope with the couch. They may not always talk but they slept side by side every night. And They always kissed goodbye in the morning. It was a silly tradition, they knew they would see each other only an hour later at work but it was a habit, a good one, that they would always kiss goodbye before leaving the house. Except this morning they hadn't- they had been to preoccupied arguing and running late- and any other day he would probably have let it go, but strung up like a piece of meat and rather worse for wear he really wished he had taken the time to apologise and put things right. That's the cruelty of hindsight._

_"Away with the fairies are we?" The man's harsh laugh brought Steve back to reality with a rather hard bump. The man was stood just behind him and Steve had been to preoccupied with his thoughts to see what he had pulled out of his bag. He soon found out when the cool flat of the blade was pressed to his back and drawn slowly down his spine sending a shiver of ice through his veins._

_"The location, that's all I want, nothing more. I'm sure you can manage that."_

_"Fine...She's in Honolulu.."_

_"That wasn't so hard was it, where abouts in Honolulu?"_

_"The National Memorial Cemetery, you'll find her gravestone just next to my fathers.."_

_"Is that supposed to be funny? You think your funny? We'll see who laughing later because I doubt it will be you." The man seethed and slid the blade sharply across Steve's lower back, not deep enough to cause him to bleed out but deep enough for it to hurt. Steve hissed and leaned forward trying to arch his back away from the blade but the man brought it down again across the back of his bicep and down to his shoulder blade. Steve could feel the warm trickle of blood down his back, irritating the burns and causing them to hurt a new. The man continued to carve patterns into Steve's skin, dragging the blade slowly and watching Steve struggle not to cry out._

_"Where is she?" The accented voice sneered in his face, spit flying from the man's lips as he growled. The maniacal smile never slipping from his twisted face, as he placed the knife back in his bag._

_"No" Steve managed to choke out between gasps before coughing violently, spitting out the blood that accumulated in his mouth. His head was beginning to swim, his vision clouded by large black spots and a grayish fuzz. He guessed he had suffered a mild concussion from the car crash and the multiple punches he had received to the face weren't exactly helping with that. The man paused and leered at Steve before raising his hand and continuing the beating on Steve's already purpling face and torso. Steve shifted , his hands pulled above his head minimalised his ability to balance and he tripped, putting his entire weight on his fractured ankle. He barely repressed the scream and fought the wave of nausea that washed over him. He shifted his weight back to his good foot and inhaled as deeply as he could through his broken nose. His attacker stopped when he heard the pain filled gasp escape from Steve's lips. He dropped his hands and kicked Steve in his injured ankle. Steve didn't even try and hold back the agonised cry, the pain causing his head to spin and he could feel vomit rising in his throat. The attacker smiled at Steve's pain and kicked him again, twice, relishing the look of torment on the beaten man's face, which was promptly replaced by a dazed look of nausea as Steve emptied his stomach onto the damp concrete floor below him. The smell causing him to wretch again._

_"Not so strong now are we?" The tormentor teased as Steve hung limply from the chain that attached his arms to the ceiling above, not caring about the pain in his chest and shoulder that protested being pulled on in such a way._

_"I'll ask you again shall I? Where is Doris McGarrett?" He grabbed Steve's hair and yanked it up to look in Steve's half closed eye's. Hours of endless torture had worn him down, the pain finally all washing over him, he guessed he had 4 fractures. Minimum. But he wasn't giving in, he used his last ounces of strength to pull himself out of the mans hold and stare him in the eye._

_"Screw you" and spat the blood from his split lip into the man's face. The tormentor wiped the blood off his face and whistled loudly. The door swung open again and Steve's blood ran cold._

_"Wo Fat?"_

* * *

 

"Well, Commander McGarrett, you are free to return home. There are a few papers to sign first, and we would like you to come in for biweekly therapy sessions, I'll leave you to get yourself sorted and you can make your first appointment with the receptionist once we've filled in all the forms." Steve nodded his mute reply and shifted himself out of the bed as the doctor left the room. Mary hovered by his side not knowing whether to help him or not.

"I grabbed the go-bag you kept in your truck, thought you might want some fresh clothes, mask some of the hospital smell" She said gently as she passed him the small drawstring rucksack. He nodded again in response.

"I'm going to.." He said quietly and gestured towards the small bathroom attached to his room. 

"Sure, take your time. Shout if you need a hand." She sat on the edge of the bed and waited for him, watching as the beautiful Hawaiian sky turned from a beautiful bright blue to an ugly menacing grey and the first raindrops began to trickle down the window pane. Steve reappeared 10 minutes later, freshly washed and shaven, and wearing his usual t-shirt and cargoes.

"You got a jacket in there? It's just started to rain and I don't really want to have to bring you back in with a case of pneumonia." She asked trying to lighten the atmosphere slightly and was rewarded with a hint of a smile. Steve slung the bag back of his shoulder and reached in pulling out a light jacket and shaking some of the creases out, as he did a folded piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Steve reached down and picked it up, unfolding it he froze. 

"What is..." She trailed off as she noticed his eyes glazing over slightly, his hand beginning to twitch gently, betraying the emotions he was fighting to hide. She moved slowly towards him and looked at the slightly worn photo he held in hands. It had been Anela's 2nd birthday, Mary had flown over to visit. The entire family was there to celebrate and after a long day of entertaining the birthday girl and guests the three of them had collapsed, exhausted on the couch. Anela was nestled between her two parents, who sat with theirs heads together, her head on her fathers lap and his hand on her tiny shoulder. That was the moment captured in the photograph, the warm and peaceful embrace, the love between all of them so evident in the way they were snuggled so close together. Their faces light and happy as if they had not a care or worry in the world. 

"After mom died I never believed in the whole happy ending thing, I joined the Navy and accepted that I would probably never have a family and I was okay with that because looking back on our family and the mess it ended up as, frankly I didn't want a repeat of that." His voice drew Mary out of her thoughts, his voice was wavering, the tears she had seen earlier nearly spilling over, but Mary didn't dare say a word. Steve was finally talking to her and she wasn't about to interrupt him.

"And then... well then they happened... my beautiful girls. You know, I thought I'd finally discovered the true happiness that people were always harping on about. I even began to buy into the whole happy ending nonsense. Look how that ended." His words coming out in a mixture of an exasperated sigh and a sob. 

"I didn't want a family because I didn't want my child to have to go through what we went through. I was scared...I tried so hard" The despair in his voice nearly broke Mary's heart. 

"I tried so hard to protect them, to keep them safe. I... I thought they were safe..." 

"It's not your fault Steve, you have to understand that. Please understand that. You didn't fail them.."

"Then where are they Mare? Where are my wife and daughter? They are gone Mary, gone. How did I not fail them?" 

"Steve.."

"I have to find them Mare... "

"I know Steve, the guys are working as hard as they can to try and hunt them down, you'll get her back"

"What if it's too late Mary, what then? She's a child, a baby. I'm supposed to protect her, what am I going to do if I'm too late? I never said goodbye...I never had the chance..." 

"Steve.."

"It hurts Mare, it hurts so much" He whispered 

"I know"


	7. Chapter 7

The next few days passed slowly. The medication the doctors had provided was working, Steve's nightmares decreased not only in frequency but in intensity as well. He was finally managing to get enough sleep each night to be able to function the next day. Mary still hovered around him, neither really spoke to the other, Mary giving Steve the time and space to deal with his emotions, Steve was simply unsure of what to say. He had found out from Danny, who had threatened bodily harm if Steve were to ever overdose again, just how much everything had affected Mary. He had been too wrapped up in his own issues that he had once again ignored his little sister. He didn't know whether to apologise for being so ignorant or to hug her and just cry it out together. Another positive of the medication had been that Steve had started to gain back a lot of his strength. He had returned to his usual morning swimming routine, and relished the feeling of being back in the water. With little else to do, having been banned from the office by the governor until he received a full psych evaluation, the swims served as his escape, his method of distraction. Danny had been by regularly with occasional updates on the search for Anela and Doris and Chin frequently tagged along, they would discuss as a three what information they had and where they would look next. However the updates were few and far between, which only served to add to Steve's stresses and worries. He was beginning to reach a point were he found himself doubting if they would ever find them at all. 4 and a half weeks, just over a month, they had been missing. They could be absolutely anywhere by now and the team were none the wiser. Steve was pulled from that train of thought, as he stood on his lanai, by the loud bang of a car door and the stampede of feet. He turned and headed back into the house to find Chin and Danny bursting through the front door.

"Where have you been, we've been calling you for the past half hour." Danny asked, slightly out of breath from the mad dash to the door.

"I was swimming.." He said slowly, pointing to the damp swimming trunks he was wearing and the towel he had draped over a shoulder.

"What about your darling sister?" Danny continued

"She's out... What are you guy's doing here?" Chin and Danny exchanged glances as Chin powered up the tablet in his hand.

"We think we have a lead on Wo Fat" Danny explained.

"What?" Steve asked choking on his own voice, not quite daring to believe that after a month of desperate searching they may finally have tracked down his little girl. He dropped the towel and moved quickly to see what Chin was trying to pull up on his tablet.

"Where? Where is he?" Steve asked

"Kamekona's cousin gave us the tip – he's in Hawai'i Steve. He's on Ni'ihau" Danny paused.

"There's an abandoned warehouse about a mile south of Halulu lake, Kamekona's cousin lives over there, and was telling Kamekona about this group of mysterious foreigners who had appeared on the island, his cousin identified Wo Fat when we sent him a picture." Chin explained, pulling up the satellite image of the warehouse.

"Wait. He's here?" Steve asked, staring at the image on screen before turning back to the pair.

"We're flying over with a team from HPD..." Danny began

"I'm coming with you" Steve interrupted

"Steve..."

"I don't care what you have to say Danny, I am coming with you. He has my daughter, if he had Grace would you just sit back and let other people go rescue her?"

"But.."

"No, okay, I am going. I am getting my daughter back and I am going to make that bastard pay." Danny nodded but not before glancing quickly to Chin.

"What?" Steve asked, his excitement at having possibly tracked down Wo Fat being suddenly replaced by a cold chill of dread. They weren't telling him something.

"Is Anela..?" He managed to ask between panicked breaths. What if they were too late? ?Was that what they were hiding? They had found Wo Fat but he had already killed her? Or worse passed her on to someone else...

"She's there Steve, alive and well from what Kamekona's cousin has told us" Steve sagged slightly in relief, pushing the voice of panic out of his head.

"It's Doris.." Chin continued.

"What about Doris, is she not with him?" Steve asked surprised

"No, Kame's cousin said that he'd never heard of her, as far as he knew she was never there"

"So she wasn't there to begin with?" Steve asked, trying to fit all the new information into place and struggling.

"Or she was there and has now pulled another disappearing act." Chin added

"If she escaped from Wo Fat then why the hell didn't she take Anela with her?" Steve questioned

"You'll have to ask her that question when we find her." Danny said and Steve huffed in response.

"We'll find her too" Danny promised, giving Steve's shoulder a quick squeeze of comfort.

"Only if she wants us too.." Steve muttered

"True" Danny admitted and then glanced down at his partners attire, sending him a look.

"Now would you hurry up and get dressed, we've got a daughter to go and rescue and  _that_  is not the best stealth attire.."

* * *

_4 months ago- The Middle East._

_Steve had been called up to active duty a little under a month ago. His SEAL team had been sent to try and neutralise a terrorist cell that had been discovered. They had been tracking the cell from village to village. They would hide out in villages, terrorising the villagers, killing many before moving onto the next on. A week ago they had managed to lose track of the cell after an attempted confrontation went south and several of the SEALs were injured. The injured men were sent home and replacements were shipped in. Steve had spent the last couple of days catching up the newbies and working with the intelligence officers on base to try and relocate the cell. And up until that morning they had had no luck. Their satellite tracking and monitoring yielded nothing new and the team were getting frustrated. Then Tariq Najjar had turned up. Steve flicked through the information the intelligence team had sent through to him about the guy. He was mid thirties, a local, married to a younger woman, Amirah and they had a daughter together, Faridah. His cousin was an inhabitant of one of the villages the cell had been terrorising. His cousin had tried to stand up to the cell and force them to leave the village. He was rewarded with a bullet to the head. Tariq had come forward with information on the location of the terrorist cell. His way of honouring his cousin's death he had explained- justice would be served. He had contacted two military officers who were hiding out in the next village on from his. The cell had moved east and were attempting to cross the border. They were currently hiding out in a couple of buildings, once used by the US military as a hideout, in the eastern part of his village. Steve sighed as he closed the file in his hands, the guy had risked a lot coming forward and although the hostile presence had now been confirmed by satellite surveillance he still had an uneasy feeling. He had a job to do though and the orders had come through for a planned assault of the village later that evening. He pushed aside the sinking sensation in his gut and fought to clear his head, he needed his head to be clear and in a good place if he wanted to avoid a repeat of the last assault._

* * *

Danny turned to face Steve who was sat in the window seat. The plane was small but packed tightly with a small team form HPD who had volunteered and all of their tactical gear. Steve was sat rigidly in his seat, his jaw clenched as if bracing himself. He reached his hand out, gently nudging Steve's arm from where it was gripping the seat rest. Steve startled, jumping at the sudden contact, shooting Danny a look of confusion.

"You alright there buddy? You had the chair in a bit of a death grip." Steve simply blinked at him before dropping his head against the headrest and exhaling deeply.

"I'm fine, I just... I just need her back, I need to get Anela back, Danny..."

"I get it buddy, I seriously do, but you gotta chill, okay? She'll be back with you before you know it" He said, trying to muster a comforting smile as he squeezed Steve's arm in understanding.

"You don't get it Danny, I knew this would happen..."

"Nobody can see into the future Steven, no one, not even Super SEAL, okay? Comprendes? You can't keep blaming yourself, there was nothing you or anyone else on this planet could have done.."

"I knew they would suffer Danny, I knew he would use them against me..." Steve whispered, his head dropping forward as he took a deep breath.

"Steve..." Danny pleaded.

"And I tried so damn hard to stop it happening, but it happened anyway. She died. It was like deja vu.." His voice trailing off as his thoughts drifted away.

* * *

" _Second building clear." The voice crackled across the radio, breaking the near silence as the three SEALs lay waiting._

" _Roger that." Steve responded, glancing at the other two SEALs with him, nodding at them and they rose together, moving slowly towards their target. The SEAL team had moved in on the village before splitting in to groups of three and agreeing to each take a building. The small cluster of buildings in the eastern corner of the village were, according to Tariq's information, the hideout of the terrorist cell that the SEALs had been tracking for the last month. The village was deadly quite, the inhabitants hiding away inside, trying to escape the heat of the day. With a silent nod to the other two SEALs Steve slowly twisted the handle on the door to the building, then with a gentle push let it swing open. The other two men lead the way in, slowly and methodically scanning the room. It was empty._

" _Room secure" Steve reported, his voice a low whisper as they crept towards the door at the opposite end of the room. He gave the same hand gesture and after a silent countdown they breached the door. The team quickly cleared the room confirming that it was as empty as the last._

" _Where the hell are they?" The second SEAL asked approaching Steve. Before Steve had a chance to reply their radios crackled to life._

" _No hostile presence but we have two bodies. A woman and a child." Steve exhaled deeply and pushed past the other SEAL as he headed out of the room to find the final group. The terrorists weren't here. He entered the final building and stopped as he bumped into the junior SEAL that had reported the find across the radio. The younger man simply nodded to the room at the back of the building where another SEAL was stood at the door, gun lowered. Steve approached him slowly, trying to prepare himself for the horrific site he knew was coming. They lay still, huddled together on the floor, their heads covered with a thin blanket. Steve dropped down and delicately pulled the blanket back. He stared down at the two faces before him, pale and waxy, matching holes in the middle of their foreheads. The woman was mid thirties, possibly younger. Her daughter was probably a similar age to Anela, barely 4 years old. Amirah and Faridah Najjar. The wife and daughter of Tariq Najjar, the man who had betrayed the terrorist cell by providing the information on the cells location to the US Military. The cell must have caught wind of their betrayal - hence why they were no where to be found, and exacted their revenge on Tariq's family. Steve felt sick. He ran his shaky hand down his face as he exhaled heavily. A woman and child had died because of the actions of one man, and there had been no fault in that man's actions. An innocent woman and child. A horrid sense of deja vu ran through him, his father had died in a not too dissimilar way. The innocent victim of Steve's interference. He shook his head clear and signalled for his men to leave, they had a mission to complete. And as far as Steve could see, the sooner the mission was completed, the sooner he could get home, and when he got there, he would make sure to hold his loved ones that little bit closer._

* * *

The team disembarked from the small plane in silence, moving quickly towards the 3 Jeeps that sat waiting at the other end of the tarmac. Steve followed Danny off the plane, the cold air of the night hitting him. They joined the silent parade across the tarmac. Danny hadn't spoken a word since their brief conversation on the plane where Steve had eventually revealed some of the unclassified details of his last SEAL mission 4 months ago. Steve hadn't said a word either but Danny suspected that there was a hell of a lot more going on in his head – as there always seemed to be.

"You need to get your head sorted buddy."

"Danny.." Steve tried to pull out of Danny's grip and moved to get on the truck but Danny pulled him back again.

"I'm not messing with you Steve,  _that_ , what you told me on the plane... you can't deal with that, not with everything else that's happened since, okay? I know you claim to be indestructible but you have been through more than your fair share of hell in the past couple of months and whether you like it or not you're going to have face those demons.."

"I've done hundreds of ops Danny..."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that this one was no different, come on. Lie to my face..." Danny challenged.

"Those tablets your taking to help with the PTSD, they are not going to help.."

"The doctors prescribed them." Steve interrupted indignantly

"Yes and you conveniently forgot to mention that little gem of an operation that has hit way to close to home and you know it. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than tablets to sort that out Steve." Danny said, raising his voice slightly in frustration.

"I don't need sorting out Danny, I need my daughter back."

"And what then? Huh? You are never going to be able to move past this until you accept that this wasn't your fault. That won't happen until you talk to someone about it and I mean everything, not just the kidnapping and her death but the mission as well. You are all Anela has left Steven, she has lost one parent already, she doesn't need to lose you too."

"I'm not going to overdose again if that's what you're trying to say.." Steve said quietly, almost embarrassed at the mention of the topic he had refused to address in any detail up until this point.

"No Steven, I mean that she needs a parent, someone to hold her and tell her that it's all right even though her little world has fallen to pieces. You'll never be able to comfort her, to help her move on if you can't do so yourself." Danny's words harsh but true. Steve watched him for a moment before dropping his head to look at the ground and giving Danny an almost imperceptible nod. Danny exhaled heavily, a puff of relief, then reached over and patted Steve on the shoulder in a half hug.

"You're not alone buddy, never forget that." And with a final squeeze of Steve's shoulder he dropped his hands to his sides. The trucks were loaded and ready to go.

"Let's go get your girl" Danny said and Steve raised his head again as they began to move towards their truck.

"And you know, I won't mind causing Wo Fat some grievous bodily harm at the same time..." He trailed off and was rewarded with a quite snort of agreement form Steve.

* * *

The trucks pulled over at the edge of Halulu Lake. There was one track that lead to the abandoned warehouse and they were going to cover the final mile by foot. This part of the island was not only completely uninhabited but virtually flat, the Jeeps would easily be spotted from any closer distance. The group disembarked the trucks in silence, a sharp contrast to the nervous chit-chatter amongst the group when they had disembarked the plane earlier. They headed south, the mile trek passing quickly and before they knew it the warehouse was looming in front of them. The group split into three. Steve taking one team who would breach the front entrance, Danny and Chin taking the other two who would cover the side and back exits. The rustle of clothes and the light tread of feet the only sound in the still air. Steve's group approached the door slowly, many of the windows of the warehouse were smashed, the building had been abandoned nearly two decades ago.

"Ready when you are" Danny's voice radioed in

"Copy that" Chin's voice joined Danny's. Steve turned back to his group silently indicating their path in and with a nod of confirmation they breached the door. The minute the door opened all hell broke loose. A mass shoot out began, there must have been at least a dozen if not two dozen men inside the warehouse, all apparently armed. Steve was screaming orders at the officers in his team. Shots were being fired from what felt like every direction. After the longest five minutes of Steve's life the shooting finally ceased. Wo Fat's men, or the one's who were engaged in the shoot out, were dead. There were three minor injuries to the HPD team. Steve breathed a sigh of relief and holstered his gun, moving out into the open to take a better look in the dim light at the space they were in. The door they had burst through had led into the main section of the warehouse. A massive space, at least two storeys tall. There were several rooms attached to the opposite end of the main section. Steve jogged over quickly to the three doors, meeting Danny who was coming through the side door.

"She's not here, she must be in one of these side rooms." Steve explained pushing at the first door but it didn't budge. Without a second thought he shot the lock on the door in and burst through. It was a tiny room with a mattress laid out in the corner and a small, greasy blanket draped over it. But no Anela. He ran back out again heading for the second door.

"She's not in this one" Danny added exiting the door furthest away. This was the last room. She had to be here. Surprisingly the door was unlocked. Steve pushed it open tentatively, using the light on his gun to illuminate the darkened room. It was empty.

"She's not here Danny..." Steve turned back to face his partner who had frozen to the spot, at a loss for words. A horrible thought flashed through Steve's mind and he rushed past Danny back into the main section of the warehouse. It was dark, lit only by a few lamps and no one had really been looking at what or who they were shooting. They hadn't been  _able_  to see who they were shooting at. If she had been out here during the stand off... Steve's blood turned to ice.

"No.." he whispered and ran to the centre of the room, where Wo Fat's men had been gathered before the invasion.

"Anela?" Steve screamed, his gaze darting around the room, searching for her.

"Anela!" He screamed again when no reply came, pushing his way through the group of bodies that lay on the floor. The horror at the thought of her being shot causing him to physically shake. He was going to be sick.

"Steve!" Chin shouted from behind him and he turned. Chin walked towards him, a small shivering child in his arms.

"She was outside, one of my team found her and hid her during the gun fight." Chin's face a mask of utter relief that must have matched Steve's. He rushed forward to meet Chin, all thoughts of finding Wo Fat gone as he reached his daughter. A wave of elation running through him as she turned to face him, tears welling in his eyes.

"Anela" He breathed in relief, a half sigh half sob as he gathered her into his arms, crushing her to his chest, their first contact in over a month. Pressing his face into her soft hair and inhaling the familiar, grounding scent, cherishing the feel of her soft skin against his cheek, the tears of relief now dropping slowly down his cheeks as she wound her arms round his neck.

"Sweetheart" He whispered, placing her gently down on the ground and running one of his hands up and down her back as he reluctantly pulled back so he could look straight at her, cupping her cheek in the palm of his hand. She had a graze on each knee and a small scrape just above her eyebrow that he traced gently with his thumb, apologising when she flinched slightly. She looked exhausted, her small body worryingly cool to the touch and she was shaking slightly- though whether that was to do with the cold, the shoot out only moments earlier or the fact she had been separated from her parents for the past 4 and a half weeks, Steve wasn't entirely sure. He slipped his over shirt off of his shoulders, holding it out and guiding her arms through the holes until it was wrapped round her, giving her an extra layer of warmth. He rolled the sleeves up for her, folding them over so they weren't in her way. She stared at him silently as he ran his hands up and down her small arms, willing her to warm up slightly.

"Look at you sweetheart, you're shivering. We need to warm you up, don't we? We'll go home and have a good long sleep. How does that sound? A nice warm bed and..."

"Daddy?" Her quite voice eventually stopping his ramblings, he looked back up at her face and gently reached out to trace the curve of her dimple. He could almost faint with relief at this point, his daughter, his beautiful little girl was safe and back in his arms. It felt like years since he'd last held her.

"Yes honey?" He asked gently, becoming acutely aware of the crowd of HPD officers that was now gathering round them, having finished sweeping the building.

"You weren't here... I was all on my own ..." She said, her bottom lip wobbling as tears began to well up in her eyes.

"Daddy will always come and find you Keiki, always. I will always find you sweetheart. I promise you." He whispered in her ear as he pulled her back into a tight embrace.

"I want to go home..." She whimpered into his shoulder. Ignoring the HPD team that had gathered round them, he picked her up, bouncing her slightly to soothe the hiccupy sobs as he did when she was a newborn.

"I know baby, I know. We're going home." He whispered stroking her back softly as she clung to his shirt, burrowing her head in his neck, hiding away. They stood in silence, clinging tightly to each other until Danny's cough caused Steve to turn his head, lifting it from the top of her head. Danny and Chin walked towards him, followed by a few other HPD officers who had rounded up the last of Wo Fat's men, though Wo Fat was not amongst them.

"Wo Fat?" Steve asked as they walked over to him. Danny shook his head silently.

"He made a run for it." Chin explained as he reached over to stroke a hand gently over Anela's soft hair.

"He got away..." Steve's relief slightly dampened at the realisation that this may not be the end after all.

"He was on foot, he took a bullet wound to the thigh and one to the abdomen, he's losing too much blood. He made it as far as the end of the track, two HPD guys are watching him." Danny added quietly as he reached to relieve Steve of his daughter.

"We'll stay here and keep the troops in order won't we princess. Daddy has to go have a little...  _chat_  with someone." He cooed at Anela.

"Thank you " Steve whispered, turning to face Danny as he shifted Anela in his arms, moving to hand her over to Danny. She began to whimper again and refused to loosen her grip on his shirt.

"Hey, I'm coming back, Daddy just needs to go find someone, okay? You be a good girl for Uncle Danny and Uncle Chin, Daddy will be back before you know it Keiki." He soothed, kissing her forehead as he peeled her small hands off of his top.

"Take her to the trucks..." Steve began

"I've got her Steve. Go." Danny interrupted, rubbing his free hand up and down Anela's back as she rested her head on his shoulder.

* * *

Steve ran down the track, a light rain had started, more of a rainy mist than actual rain but it still managed to turn the path to a watery mess. Mud was splashing up his legs as he tried to avoid the largest of the puddles, ignoring the slightly biting chill, emphasized by the fact that he no longer had his over shirt to provide him that extra warmth.

"You guys can head back to the truck, I'll take over from here." Steve said as he approached the two HPD officers who had Wo Fat handcuffed and sat before them, slumped against a tree for support. His two wounds had been bandaged but were already soaked through with blood. His face was pale, his breathing laboured.

"He's bleeding out, we won't be able to get him to a hospital in time." The shorter of the officers tried to explain to Steve.

"I know, I have a few questions I need to ask him though. You guys go on ahead." Steve nodded to them and they shuffled past him, heading back down the track. Steve turned to face Wo Fat, he still had that same sick smile plastered on his face despite the fact that he was slowly, but surely dying.

"McGarrett. Fancy seeing you here..." He drawled, cutting short as he burst into a coughing fit, the pain written all over his face. Steve walked over to him, deliberately knocking into his injured leg and relishing the pained breath that escaped Wo Fat's lips. He reached down and yanked Wo Fat up, pressing him to the trunk of the tree with an arm across his chest. Using his free hand he reached for his thigh holster, pulling out his knife and brought it up to Wo Fat's face, pressing it into the paling skin.

"Police brutality..." Wo Fat managed to choke out, the smile not slipping from his face.

"Police brutality? You murdered my wife in cold blood and kidnapped my daughter, I will show you police brutality..." Steve sneered, his face inches form Wo Fat's.

"Look who you're calling a murderer..." Wo Fat rasped, his breathing becoming more and more laboured.

"This isn't murder, I'm just helping you along. You see, there is a special place in hell that has your name written all over it. It would be rude to keep you here any longer." Steve hissed as he took the knife and plunged it into the other man's abdomen just above his gunshot wound. Wo Fat cried out in pain, pushing against Steve's arm that still held him pinned to the tree. The light rain had turned into a torrential down-pour, raindrops streamed down both of their faces.

"You wanted to die" Steve spat, his voice a harsh whisper as he leaned into Wo Fat's face, relishing at the look of pain that flickered across his nemesis' features as he twisted the blade embedded in his gut.

"I hope it hurts." Steve growled and with a final twist of the knife he yanked the blade back out again and watched as Wo Fat crumpled to the floor before him, blood saturating his clothes as he chocked out his final few breaths, face contorted in agony. It was over. Wo Fat was dead.


	8. Chapter 8

**Speeches won't be made today, clocks will carry on** **  
** **Flowers won't be left in parks, work will still be done  
People won't be dressed in clack, babies will be born** **  
** **No flags will fly, the sun will rise,** **  
** **But we know that you are gone**

**You who love to love and believed we can never give enough**

**It wakes me every single night, thinking through the day** **  
** **Did you stop at any time have doubts at any stage** **  
** **Were you calm or were you numb or happy just to get it done** **  
** **I've lived my life without regret until today**

**You who love to love and believed we can never give enough**

**I didn't get to say goodbye the day before the day**

**Was trying to get to work on time, that's why I turned away** **  
** **And missed the most important thing you've ever tried to say** **  
** **I've lived my life without regret until today**

**You who love to love and believed we can never give enough** **  
** **And you who hoped that underneath we all felt the same** **  
** **That was until the day before the day**

* * *

"Daddy?" A small voice and a gentle tug on his arm pulled him from his half sleep. Anela was stood in front of him, clutching her snuggle blanket tight to her chest, her hair tangled up into a fuzzy mess that Steve knew was going to be a pain to brush in the morning.

"What's wrong baby?" He stretched, pulling himself from the lethargic state and picked her up, plopping her neatly on to the sofa next to him. She clung to his arm as he began to pull it back, so relinquished and pulled her into his side. His arm wrapped around her small back.

"I couldn't sleep" Came the simple reply, her head dropping to his side, nestling into him. He shifted slightly, freeing her blanket to wrap it round her.

"You don't like the rain?" The storm had begun just after she went to bed, she had never liked the rain and always hated the thunder that came with the tropical storms. She shook her head, confirming his thoughts and jumped slightly as a loud clap of thunder sounded.

"Do you want to stay with me?" She nodded and buried deeper into her blanket, wedging herself tighter between his arm and his side. They sat in silence, his hand calming her as it stroked gently up and down her back, his head dropping to the back of the sofa as he felt himself dropping off to sleep again, lulled by the rhythmic sound of the raindrops hitting the windows around them.

"Mommy likes the rain, and the ocean" She announced suddenly, burrowing further into his side. Steve paused, not sure what to say and not really wanting to broach the topic, she had barely mentioned her mother – or the distinct lack of her, why rock the boat now?

"She's not here any more is she?" Her quiet question nearly drowned out by the hammering of the rain against the windows. Steve swallowed thickly and looked down at the mop of dark hair tucked under his arm.

"No, not any more" He answered, trying to hide the wobble in his voice as he pulled her closer to him. She shifted to sit fully in his lap, her small head resting against his chest, her fists clenching his shirt in a fearsome grip. He dropped his head to rest on the top of hers, inhaling the familiar smell of her strawberry shampoo.

"When is she coming back? I don't like it when she's not here" She turned and lifted her head so she could look at him in the half light of the room. Her deep brown eyes, so similar to her mothers, staring up at his, a look of pleading confusion on her face. He lifted his hand and gently tucked the stray curl of hair behind her ear.

"Mommy... she's not.." He swallowed again and paused.

"She's not coming back Anela..." He paused again as he saw her lower lip begin to wobble slightly.

"She doesn't love us anymore?" She asked, almost in shock as the wobble became more pronounced and tears began to well up in her eyes.

"No. Your mother loved you Anela, so much. Never doubt that baby, she loved both of us." He pulled her into a firm hug, cradling her against his chest as tears began to slip down her chubby cheeks. Trying to bite back his own tears, his mind flashed back to their final argument .

" _I still love you. Is there something you need to tell me?"_

" _You've changed"_

" _Is that supposed to be your way of saying you don't love me anymore?"_

"I don't want her to be gone Daddy" She mumbled between hiccupy sobs that shook her little body.

"Me neither" He whispered.

* * *

" _McGarrett.." Wo Fat drawled as he walked further into the damp room. Steve lifted his head slowly, to try and get a better view of the man through his swollen and sore eye._

" _You are being a pain, or so I have heard from my colleagues here." He approached Steve, looking down at him._

" _But you needn't worry. We don't require your help any more. We managed to find your dear mother all on our own." A sickening smile spreading across Wo Fat's face as Steve took in the news, his body tensing._

" _Do you want to know what else I found? Or should I say who else?" Steve's heart dropped, a cold shiver of dread trickling down his spine like ice in his veins._

" _You thought you could hide them?"Wo Fat laughed_

" _You thought you could have the happy free life?" His mocking tone continued and Steve shifted trying to relieve a little bit of strain from his injured shoulder._

" _Do you know how much I've suffered? Because of you McGarrett, you have made me suffer." He spat, lunging forwards and yanking Steve to stand up, forcing him to put weight in his injured ankle._

" _And now, now I can make you suffer." The sickening smile returning to his features. He dropped Steve, leaving him to fall back to where he hung, knees not quite touching the ground. His shoulders being yanked in their joints, sending sparks of pain through his body as a fresh wave of nausea had him dry heaving. Wo Fat crouched beside him, grabbing a fistful of hair and pulling it to turn Steve to face him._

" _Married life has made you weak McGarrett" The sickening chill washed over Steve again._

" _Five years of happy marriage, well apart from the last few months." Steve simply stared, not trusting his voice. Wo Fat's smile spread._

" _It's a shame you can't end on a high.."_

" _You going to kill me?" Steve asked simply, knowing the answer that was coming._

" _No, death is an easy way out. You won't suffer in death, not for nearly as long as I want you too anyway. I have better plans."_

" _You see, we had to have a back up plan if we didn't find Doris. We had to have a way to get you to talk..." He explained as the door re-opened. Steve turned, tilting his head and froze, his voice sticking to his throat. A woman was dragged into the room, her limbs weak. Her arms and feet were bound together and there was a bag placed over her head, hiding her face. Steve didn't need to see her face to recognise her, he had seen her wear that top a hundred times. Her long hair, that he knew was so soft to the touch was poking out from the bottom of the bag._

" _What do you want?" Steve breathed, eyes never leaving the hooded figure before him. Wo Fat reached over, pulling the bag from her head. Her lips were taped shut, her face littered with cuts and bruises, her eyes glazed from the severe beating._

" _I thought I made that clear McGarrett. I want you to suffer."_

* * *

"Where are we going?" He glanced into the rear-view mirror, catching her eye as she stared at him from her car seat in the back. The drive had been silent till then, each of them lost in their own thoughts. She had dealt with the kidnapping far better than anyone could have expected but he had a nagging feeling that a breakdown would occur sooner or later. They had scattered her ashes earlier that morning. They had forgone the traditional paddle out to allow Anela to be a part of it all. Instead they had gathered- her family, Chin, Danny and a few of her old friends- in the garden, they had waded out with Anela sat on her father's shoulders, and released them there. Watched them mingle with the waves, dissolve and disappear. It was over all too quickly- it felt too final. The way the final traces of her being had just vanished, dissolved and blown away, never to be seen again.

"A special place, we'll be there in a moment." He smiled reassuringly back at her and she returned her gaze to the passing greenery beyond her window. They had decided to have a gravestone erected, even if it wasn't her final resting place, they all wanted a place to come and visit, a place to bid good bye and a place to remember. He eventually pulled into the cemetery that was becoming an all too familiar sight to him. He released Anela from her seatbelt and gently placed her down on to the ground next to him.

"Can we visit?" Her small voice pulling him out of his musings, he dropped down to squat at her level and gently took her small hands in his.

"Visit where Ipo?"

"Mommy, if she can't come back here, then we can go visit her where she is?" He paused as he dropped his eyes from her intense gaze and instead focused on the bright green sandals that adorned her tiny feet. She had spotted them when they were out shopping together. She had been so attracted to the dazzlingly bright shoes that she now refused to leave the house without them.

"Daddy?" She asked , gently pulling on his arm with her hands. He looked back up at her concerned face, the chubby cheeks dented with her mother's dimples. She was so much like her, sometimes it was a facial expression, sometimes her laugh or , more often it was her attitude – her quiet concern for her father that never failed to warm his heart. He opened his mouth to answer her but his voice caught in his throat.

* * *

" _You have a beautiful young wife don't you McGarrett" He stated as he reached out, gently tracing a finger down her bruised cheek._

" _Quite feisty though, she didn't cooperate at all, you'd be proud." He continued and she pulled her head back, away from his reach._

" _Touch her and I will break your neck" Steve growled, leaning forward to get as close to Wo Fat as he could, the restraints pulling on his injured shoulder painfully._

" _Promises, promises. I won't touch her Commander, don't worry. Then again, you won't be touching her again either.." A sickening smile spreading across his face._

" _Leave her out of this.." Steve pleaded,_

" _You only have yourself to blame Commander" Wo Fat sneered, turning back to face him._

" _Please... please just let her go..." His voice dropping to a whisper_

" _How does it feel McGarrett ? How does it feel to be so utterly powerless?" Steve simply stared, unable to form a word._

" _Your daughter is rather adorable as well" He continued and a shiver of shear terror ran through Steve as he glanced to his wife, barely coherent from the beating she had received._

" _She is completely unharmed Commander, don't worry. She will be coming with me after this, a little deterrent. You try to come after me and it'll be your little girl that pays." He smiled_

" _You sick bastard, you lay a finger on her.." Steve threatened_

" _Empty threats Commander...If I were you I would be more concerned about your wife than your little girl. As the saying goes, 'Do unto others what what you would have done unto you'...I begged you McGarrett, I begged for you to shoot me, to spare the pain."_

" _Did you listen to my plea? You left me to suffer in agony, a pain I will live the rest of my life with. Do you know what that sort of pain feel likes, the never ending pain?"_

" _Please, no..." Steve whispered, his blood turning to ice as dread flooded through him. His gaze darting between her bruised face and the madman in front of him._

" _You will now" He hissed, his face bare millimetres from Steve's. He straightened and turned, pulling a gun from his waistband._

" _No!" Steve screamed, lunging forward as far as his restraints allowed, the cold metal cutting into his wrist as he struggled, his injuries forgotten in his panic. His scream was cut short by the sound of a gunshot. Her body crumpled lifelessly to the cold floor. Steve froze , unable to comprehend the scene before him even as a small pool of blood began to form around her head, almost like a halo. His heart caught in his throat as the fight drained out of him, watching the pool of warm blood spread across the floor towards him. She lay facing him, her eyes wide open as if in shock, a small bullet hole adorning her forehead, a trail of blood running down into her hair and the floor below. Wo Fat nodded to the other men and they filed out of the room silently. Steve's legs finally giving way and he collapsed, falling sideways as his entire body weight was held up by the restraints gripping his now limp arms. Wo Fat walked over to him slowly, crouching down to his eye level before leaning in to whisper in Steve's ear._

" _I hope you said goodbye"_

* * *

He hadn't. Steve swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth that the memory bought back and looked back at his worried daughter's face.

"Mommy's gone to a place... a special place." Steve paused, taking a calming breath.

"You remember who I told you about grandpa? How grandpa went to a special place.." He asked and she nodded quietly, her face falling and of that didn't just break Steve's heart a little further.

"That's where mommy is. We can't go there and she can't come back here.." He said, trying to break the concept to her gently. He had tried before, whenever they discussed her or the lack of her, but Anela had refused to listen, adamant that her mother would return and surprise them all.

"But I want to see her Daddy, I want her to come back" Her bottom lip stuck out in a pout as tears began to spring up in her eyes.

"So do I Ipo" He whispered to her as he gathered her delicately in his arms, letting her wipe her face on his shirt.

"But you know how sometimes I go and visit grandpa's stone?"

"The one with his name on it?" She asked, pulling back slightly to look at him.

"Yeah, mommy has a stone now too." He explained, brushing her hair of her face.

"With her name on it?"

"Yeah, her name is on it. So though we can't visit mommy, we can visit her stone."

"Like you visit grandpa's stone."

"Just like that..."

"Why is there a stone?" She asked after a moment's thought.

"So we can remember her" He said

"Oh. Are we going to see her stone?" She asked and he nodded quietly, thumbing away the tears that were drying to her cheeks, the small break down forgotten. They'll get through, they'll survive - somehow. He squeezed her hand tightly and they made their way through the cemetery to her gravestone. Clean and new, the crisp lines of the engraving yet to be worn down by the elements. This was it, this was goodbye. There was something so very final about today's events. There were no more second chances, only the painful and lonely reality that the pair were having to adapt to. A twisted world that didn't seem to work properly. They would learn to live again, to go on and to move on. There would be a part in both of them that would never completely heal, a lost love, a  _her_ shaped hole and he longed for the day when the thought of her no longer caused the agonising stab in his chest that he had grown accustomed to. He gently placed the bunch of flowers that the pair of them had painstakingly collected earlier before the stone. The bright petals in sharp contrast to the dull grey as they danced in the light breeze. Delicately tracing his fingers across the grooves of her name he pulled Anela into his side, tucking her below his chin in a warm hug. Her small arms grabbing on to him as he felt her body begin to shake with fresh sobs, he rested his head on top of hers and finally allowed the tears to escape as he whispered.

"Aloha'oe Ku'uipo"

-Fin-


End file.
